Archive for August, 2012

Crass Sophisticate Character Study: Justin

Posted: August 30, 2012 by Crass Sophisticate in Comic Book Characters, Drawings
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The most prolific person featured, “Justin” has appeared in more issues of Crass Sophisticate than any other character.

Not to be confused with Josh, Justin has more hair, is skinnier, wears a tie and is often seen smoking a cigarette.

Justin is the more grounded character of the Josh and Justin partnership.  Justin would be considered the George of George & Lenny, the Ren of Ren & Stimpy,   or the Thelma of Thelma & Louise.

Justin’s primary emotion is depressed annoyance.  As a thirty-something who lost his girlfriend (issue #22) and his business (issue #27) over the Crass story line, we find Justin struggling to find happiness in a world where people seem to continually frustrate him.

An avid follower of hipster music and a connoisseur of criterion film – Justin represents the sophisticate of Crass Sophisticate.

While Justin no doubt appears in many of the early issues, our first glimpse of his personality appears in Rhonda” – Issue #8 where Justin gets revenge on Rhonda by squirting his man mustard onto her leftovers and ultimately is unable to satisfy his girlfriend follow his debauchery of Lou Malnati’s to-go.

From there, the Justin stories follow a theme of a man who can’t get any luck in life.  After learning about Justin’s tough puberty in the Masturbation Issue & Issue 23 and the resulting sexual frustrations that appear in Issue #20 – it’s easy to see why Justin’s only sanctuary appears to be alcohol.

What does the future hold in store for Justin?  It’s hard to say.  Finding a new girl could very well turn his life back around, but Josh’s antics continue to cost Justin cars and imaginary girlfriends – so, I suppose only time will tell.

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“Why do I have to learn this stuff? I’ll never use it!”

Posted: August 27, 2012 by Crass Sophisticate in Essays
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Schools are back in session and as teachers struggle to inspire this generation of whiny, spoiled brats our educators are met with the all-time classic complaint from adolescent scholars:

“Why do we have to learn this stuff?” 

It’s said so frequently and with such abrasive annoyance that many teachers retort with similar defiance by ignoring the question completely or offering such “sage” responses as, “Because you have to.”

Teachers, listen up – that is not helping.  These questions address a more serious concern that Americans in general have no desire to learn anything new.

It’s a high school national standard that students must learn how to graph parabolas when in fact 99% of those students can go through life without ever having to graph a parabola outside of a school setting.  However, that ability to learn something new, anything new is far more valuable than the material itself.

There are a few teenagers that are taking their lives seriously enough to study hard for the ACT in order to get into a good college so they can get a good job.  But, the ACT itself is arbitrary.  If colleges decided to compare students based on how well they play Parcheesi – those same students would be studying strategies on doubles and capturing pawns instead of strategies on how to take a multiple choice Science tests.

The answer to “Why do we have to learn this stuff?” should be countered with “Why do we have learn?” It’s obvious to me that many people completely lack the ability to learn new things because anytime I ask them to do something their answer is “I don’t know how to do that?”  Really? You don’t know how to do something? Is it because you didn’t learn it in school?  Because it seems to me that if you don’t know how to do something you should exercise your lazy brain and fucking figure it out!

Employers are aware that college graduates don’t know anything coming out of school.  They don’t need college to teach them everything they need to know.  That isn’t reasonable anyway, considering how quickly everything changes.  They just need colleges to train people to learn new things quickly.  Because the most valuable person is the one that can learn the new system, procedure, application or what-have-you faster than anyone else.

I think someone on Marc Maron’s podcast said nerds are people who love to find creative solutions to problems.  Nerds are people who are good at learning new things.  I would challenge that learning the rules to Dungeons and Dragons or Magic: The Gathering require more concentration or studying that passing the Commercial Driver’s License Exam.

My point is that the goal of school is to teach students how to learn.  And while math and science may have more practical applications, learning about music, art and physical education are still important as long as students are learning.

In Memoriam: The Top 10 Crass Sophisticate Deaths

Posted: August 24, 2012 by Crass Sophisticate in Comic Book Issues
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Thank you to everyone who participated in our poll for the top Death scenes in Crass Sophisticate.  The results are counted down below:

#10 – Tom Cruise (Issue #17)
Story: “Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes on a Date!”
Why it’s Funny: Katie yells “Tom Cruise” when he falls out of the car.

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#9 – Mary Lou (Issue #1)
Story: “Fetish”
Why it’s Funny: She thought something had crawled up his ass and died.

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#8 Rutkus (Issue #22)
Story: “Page 16 Music Review”
Why It’s Funny: Bob Dylan quote

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#7 Henry Lee (Issue #22)
Story: “Page 16 Music Review”
Why It’s Funny: Rutkus says “Oh! Henry Bar”

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#6 – “Good” Josh (Issue #19)
Story: “Nightmare of the Frog Lady”
Why It’s Funny: The slow realization he’s been stabbed followed by the sudden death fall into the bathtub

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#5: Josh and Justin (Issue #28)
Story: “Dollin’ Up Duggar”
Why It’s Funny: Dog Sinner

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#4: Josh’s Avatar
Story: “We Can Be Heroes”
Why It’s Funny: The use of the word “cocksuckers”

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#3 The Frog Lady (Issue #19)
Story: “Nightmare of the Frog Lady”
Why It’s Funny: The Frog Lady Keeps Saying “Blah”

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#2 Tommy Jizzmop (Issue #20)
Why It’s Funny: After all those shots somebody finally yells “Hold Your Fire”

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#1 – Jeffrey (Issue #27)
Story: “The Dwarf Jockey”
Why It’s Funny: The quantity of bullet holes caused by one gun

For our next poll we would like to countdown the top nude scenes from Crass Sophisticate:

Crass Sophisticate #29 “PORKBINGE!”

Posted: August 21, 2012 by Crass Sophisticate in Comic Book Issues
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Download the PDF: Crass Sophisticate #29 or click on the cover to read in browser

Join Crass Sophisticate as we embark on a Culinary journey with the Culinary icon, Anthony Bourdain, on a fantastical voyage of action and adventure and beautiful vegan broads and Mike Royko.   Josh and Justin of C.S. will prove it’s worth dying to protect the Chicago hot dog from ketchup.  The Chicago-style hot dog is Chicago.

The Video Store Rises

Posted: August 19, 2012 by Crass Sophisticate in Essays
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In February of this year, Family Video invested a 100 million dollars to open Marco’s Pizza shops inside many of their existing video and game rental stores.  This month, people are just starting to see the Marco’s/Family Video hybrid going live.

You’re probably asking yourself, “Why now? Why not 15 years ago when somebody might have cared about video stores?”  Well, first of all – that’s rude, stop thinking that.  Second of all, Family Video is the holdout, the last man standing, the last crusade, the final fantasy, the remaining video store after Blockbuster, Hollywood Video and Dollar Videos around the country went belly-up.  They became the last choice for video store patrons.  

Family Video is actually growing.  They’ve seen profits every year for the past 20 years except for in 2004.  Netflix doesn’t carry everything, it’s still too expensive to buy new movies, and online rentals are still very limited to certain devices.

Will Family Video last forever?  No, of course not – but now that they’ve converted their entire inventory to shelf-saving DVD’s – these stores have extra room.  And since Family Video owns the majority of their locations – making rent isn’t an issue.  DVD’s have a long shelf life, and as long as they continue to carry new releases they might last longer than you think.

“This Film Should Be Played Loud”

Posted: August 16, 2012 by Crass Sophisticate in Movie Recommendations, Reviews
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I gotta plug this ripe 70′s horror flick titled the The Driller Killer. Writer, director and sometimes actor (yeah, somewhat) Abel Ferrara plays the lead role in his first feature film. You mighta heard of him – he’s a New York filmmaker, gives Q & A’s while drinking buds underneath a table directing a string of brilliant low budget nihilistic New York flicks with some big stars: Christopher Walken, Harvey Keitel in  King Of New York and Bad Lieutenant.

The Driller Killer was made during the peak part of the oh-so-short 70′s New York punk rock scene. Ferrara originally was going to shoot a documentary about one punk band in particular- The Roosters which I find raw and catchy, but my cousin says are the worst punk band that ever was.

Ferrara, however didn’t follow through with that plan,so the film Is basically half the punk rock scene focusing on The Roosters with lead singer Tony Coca-Cola (heh what a name, played by Rhodney Montreal another good name) and the other half focusing on a crazy, nutty driller serial killer, Reno Miller (played by Ferrara).

So, Reno Miller is this fucked up painter who invested all his time and energy painting this buffalo he’s trying to sell but can’t.  No one’s interested.  I know how he feels.  We feel for him.  He’s broke.  He’s behind on his bills.  His rent.  He’s desperate.  He lives with two deadbeat chicks- one’s a blonde, Pamela (played by Baybi Day) and the other is his girlfriend, Carol, a brunette (played by Carolyn Marz) looking a little like Anne Bancroft.

Abel wants to boink the blonde (we find out thanks to the funny be-bop director’s  commentary) but she’s got a hard-on for Tony Coca-Cola, so he doesn’t get her, but his girlfriend does in a great shower scene where they’re both naked in a shower because they’re in a B-Fiick licking each other’s tits. The great thing about a B-Fiick is that the B stands for Boobs.

So, lets talk about the drill. Reno and his deadbeat girls are sitting around watching TV one night (’cause it’s the only thing to do when you’re broke).  Reno sees a commercial displaying a Brittany Spears look-alike drying her hair with a hair dryer connected to a Porta-Pack.  Now, a PortaPack is a portable battery you wear around your waist.  Now pay attention: here this solves a great problem in the film.  The Porta-Pack allows Reno to power his drill where ever he may be – which is usually in some ghetto part of town.

There’s a great scene In the film at a bus stop where actor, Peter Yellen (who I think could be the next Brando!) Is harassing two innocent hard working, tax paying New Yorkers who are simply waiting for a bus.  The next Brando, Peter Yellen, steals the scene improvising with the other two actors shouting at barking dogs, pretending one of the guy’s his dad and he’s gonna get married and he cries and laughs and hugs before he is eviscerated by the drill.

Another great scene is Reno going on one of his many killing sprees wearing tight red pants!  The red pants he wears are very similar to the red pants Michael Jackson wore in his music videos- so Reno’s running around like Michael Jackson drilling people then doing a little dance around his victims.

But before his rampage he was forced to go to this, Roosters concert by his lesbo girlfriend.  Reno hates the band, which keeps him up at night interfering with his painting because they’re now his new neighbors thanks to his muff-diving blonde roommate who’s infatuated with Tony Coca-Cola.  So, he leaves the concert and runs around drilling people in these tight red pants while the viewer can hear The Roosters playing their gig on the soundtrack.  That’s my favorite scene.  That, and when he’s eating pizza.

I gotta plug this film. I feel the need to plug this film. If you think you’d like to see a guy with a wop-fro who kinda looks like a hairy ape running around in tight red pants and a PortaPack belt connected to his drill, drilling people and kinda doing a little dance when he’s done drilling people - then this film is for you.  I think it’s one of the best B-Films ever.

See Issue 18 for my depictions from the film.

-C.S.

At Long Last … The Japandroids

Posted: August 13, 2012 by Crass Sophisticate in Music Recommendation
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 I know the Japandroids.  I’ve known them longer then you,  I was there.  I saw them at Shuba’s with my cousin while you were applying for a position at Urban Outfitters.  Yeah, they were cool.

The thing about that night that’s sad,  the thing that still sticks with me,  we were the oldest people in the room, including the band.  A few years after Album of the Year Post-Nothing, Japandroids are back with their new LP, Celebration Rock.   I think about that night….so long ago – I think about the party that the concert was,  I really think that’s what their music is all about.

Celebration Rock doesn’t open with guitars or drums, it opens with fireworks…..it ends with them too.  Then we’re off to the Nights of Wine and Roses- ”Long live tonight and we’re still drinking,” the words that open the album say a lot about the mindset of these guys when they recorded this album.  It’s about being young and getting older.

But more importantly, their work is so great because they’re aware of it.  The aging, I mean.  There’s something to say about getting older, you get some wisdom, you know things, how to behave.  Not to get off the point, but I know everyone is waiting to hear about what I thought about the album and I know you’re not going to buy it ’til you get my feedback, but please allow me to digress.

Twenty one year-olds should not be allowed to listen to good music……well, no, they can listen to whatever they want, fuck, they should. Music saved my shit.  They should not be allowed to go and see the bands they love in public unless they get an IQ test.

My pretend girlfriend, Mary Pearson

I love the High Places, Mary Person is my pretend-girlfriend.  I love her  true, and I love her dearly.  This goddess of a women had the decency to perform for me at Shubas.  She was great, her hair was so Bavarian, like a strudel, like a Bavarian strudel to be snacked upon, such a dish.

God, I would give anything to taste upon her vagina. Anything!!  Anyway,  these fucking shits, little brat assholes with skinny jeans and tight ass shirts spend the whole performance dancing around like epileptic children in need of a insulin shot.

Now dancing at a show is fine, I do it all the time, but not at the High Places!! Not there, baby!! No, at a High Places concert one must hug oneself and gently rock back and forth as you quietly think about how glorious it will be to jerk off later.

Then after every song they screamed “Play Stardust to Sentence!” That’s only their must popular song – their  gonna play it. Duh!  After the show they rushed the stage and scared my Mary (’cause she’s such a gentle lil’ doe) and ruined my chance to woo her and force her to be my real girlfriend.  Guess what happened after that, guess what one of the little shits had the balls to say?  He folded his arms and said, “We were the only ones having fun, everyone else was SO not into it.”  Oh shit!  That’s right, that’s what he said.  Needless to say I put every one of those little twinkle shits right in their place.  Like a man does, NOT some little kid.

I bet Mary smells really good after a shower, like right after, when her skin is still wet and clean, and when she’s drying off you can see the little girlish peach fuzz of hair on her arms.  And her breasts, there rocking back and forth cause she’s drying off her body, drying her legs, she bends over drying her legs.  Then she gets dressed and we do the New York Times crossword together.  After that we go to the farmer’s market (she’s really healthy) and she wants me to start eating better, ’cause she loves me so much.  Then we go home and eat a salad, then I fuck her in the butt……where was I?….Oh, yeah.  Yeah, so the Japandroids…yeah their new album’s great!!!!  Not my album of the year, but at least in the top ten.

Beautiful, Bona fide, Bountiful Bananas

Posted: August 10, 2012 by Crass Sophisticate in Essays
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They’re nature’s candy bar.
They have their own wrapper.
They come in multi-packs.
They’re good for a hangover.
They float in water.
They can polish leather shoes.
They are the fourth largest agricultural product in the world.
They technically come from an herb (not a tree) and are considered a berry.
They can cure depression.
Their peel can filter water.
They contain no seeds.
Together they are a hand, alone they are fingers.
If you peel it from the bottom you won’t get those string thingies.
They are naturally radioactive (Potassium-40)
They contain pheromones that anger bees.
They contain 80% water, but juicing them is an Indian secret
They are natural antacids and can help relieve heartburn
They can lower the risk of cancer, heart attack and stroke.
They are harvested everyday of the year
Their name means “the fruit of wise men.”
They can make women more attractive.
They are in constant danger of going extinct.

They are bananas, and they are the most wonderful of all the fruits.

It’s amazing how bananas are so consistent.  No matter the season, bananas live up to a standard of quality not matched by any produce counterpart.  Bad apples, sure.  Rotten tomatoes, you bet.  Sour grapes, happens all the time.  But a bad banana? Forget about it.  This fruit is the cock of the grocery store and goddamnit if I don’t eat a big one everyday.  The palpate of peeling into that protective peel, the aroma of its yellowy goodness, the moist, sweet consistency satisfies and satiates every time.

Long live the banana in all its holiness.

Full Issues of Crass Sophisticate now available online for free!!!

Posted: August 9, 2012 by Crass Sophisticate in Comic Book Issues
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Click on the issue covers running down the left side of our website!

Here’s the latest issue:

The Future of Comic Books and Other Printed Material

Posted: August 7, 2012 by Crass Sophisticate in Essays
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Sure, there are plenty of old schoolers out there who love the smell of books, the feel of books, their collection of books on their book shelf, etc.  But, there are also plenty of new schoolers out there who have already embraced handheld technology and have started to recognize the potential a tablet can have.  Think about – all your entertainment In. The. Palm. Of. Your. Hand.  The world, actual access to the world at your fingertips.  It’s what every futurist dreams of.  It’s easy to say you love physical books if you’ve never owned an eReader, but it’s much harder to say that after experiencing a Nook or Kindle first hand.

Crass Sophisticate is a print media as all comic books are and hopefully always will be.  But that doesn’t mean there isn’t potential for the future readers.  If you haven’t had the chance, check out what Graphicly is doing with self-published comic books – the option to direct the reader through the panels is smooth and looks amazing on a tablet.  This is the future of comic books, and we’re getting in on the ground floor.

Many of you are also familiar with Kickstarter - and many of you are aware that while millions of people are asking for money, fewer people are actually giving money.  Well, Kickstarter’s deal is that if a project doesn’t make it’s target – every donor gets their money back.  We would like to ask the community to donate to Crass Sophisticate’s goal of becoming an e-Comic Book.  We will use Graphicly’s services to launch the upcoming issue of Crass and make it available on Nooks, Kindles, Kobo’s, GoogleBooks and iBooks if we get enough money.  Our entire backlog will soon be available as a webcomic for free on Graphicly, but that’s only through the web.  We need money from you to launch the new issue as an eBook available for download.  As a thank you – if you donate $5 we will send you a physical copy of the issue 29 as well as a digital download.  If we don’t meet our goal, no cost to you.  I’ll repost in a month to update you on the experience.

Click the image above to see Crass’s Kickstarter Project

Why You’re Not Gonna Find Your Lost Cat

Posted: August 5, 2012 by Crass Sophisticate in Essays
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If your cat ran away from home, it’s because it hates you.  You should probably take it personally.  Most likely, that cat stuck by you for a while, maybe even grew to like you – sat on your lap, snuggled against you, stopped sticking it’s butt in your face while you slept – but things changed.

You probably stopped emptying the litter as often as you should have.  And maybe you forgot to feed it a couple of times, hmm? Am I right? Did you remember to keep its bowls clean?  Did you brush it every day? Did the cat always have fresh water? Did you play with it everyday? Is it really that hard to be a cat owner?

I mean, that’s why you got a cat in the first place.  Because you’re lazy and you wanted an animal that was independent.  But, that’s also why your cat left you.  Because it’s independent.  It doesn’t need you, you weren’t making that cats life better – you nutured it because it was horny, declawed it because it scratched your mom, switched it to the cheap dry food because your hours were cut at Staples, and then you forced it into the spare bedroom when people came over, because your friends have pet allergies.

Face it – your cat was pissed at you.  It got bored and fat.  Like a fed-up woman who didn’t get enough attention it fuckin’ left your ass in the middle of the night after taking a dump in your shoes.  It’s your fault, you should have known that owning a cat was 12 year commitment.

Also, nobody’s going to help you look for your cat.  Maybe, just maybe somebody will look in their immediate vicinity after seeing your sign, but even if they saw your cat, who’s going to try to catch a cat? Cats don’t like to be caught.  You blew it.  Even if someone calls and tells you they saw your cat, do you think the cat is just going to hang around?

You should have been nicer to your cat, then maybe your furry friend wouldn’t have dumped you.  Also, I ran over your cat with my car.

Reboots and Remakes: Creating Classics

Posted: August 2, 2012 by Crass Sophisticate in Essays
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The Japanese have the best ideas

The Japanese have the best ideas

It’s so easy to pick on Hollywood – to complain that they can’t come up with anything original.  That if it hasn’t been a novel, short story, comic book, Japanese horror film, television show or board game then movie producers won’t make it.  Maybe i’m in the wrong here, but remakes and reboots are actually a long standing tradition in Hollywood. Consider what we refer to as the “classics” like Dracula, Robin Hood, The 3 Musketeers, all of those characters have appeared hundreds of times on the silver screen.   The works of Dickens, Austin, Shakespeare, Verne and Bronte have all been made, remade, altered, reinterpreted and butchered enough times that any high schooler has enough material to fake any book report.

“Oh, their butchering the classics!“

“The original was SOO much better“

“I can’t believe they decided to make him a black guy“

Viva le Remake!

Viva le Remake!

It will always be hard to top the original.  I can’t imagine liking the Robocop or Total Recall remakes at all because I love the originals so much.  But, for the teenagers seeing them for the first time, I imagine they’ll like the newer versions better and see the originals as hokey and poorly acted.

Take True Grit as an example.  My father’s generation considers all of John Wayne’s work to be classic.  My grandfather’s generation considers the book to be a classic.  I think most of John Wayne’s movies are boring and slow, and I’ll never read a book after I already saw the movie.  I never saw Wayne’s True Grit, and  I don’t need to because I have my own True Grit and I like that version just fine.

I think the definition of a classic needs to be changed, or we need a new word to describe a classic from a true classic.  The dictionary defines classic as “Judged over a period of time to be of the highest quality and outstanding of its kind”  Which works well for cars and fashion – but it doesn’t fit the bill for movies.  You can’t call any good old movie a classic.  Is The Matrix a classic?  What about Spiderman?

There are plenty of classic movies that haven’t been remade.  There’s really nothing new that can be reinterpreted for Citizen Kane, Casablanca and Gone with the Wind but I guarantee that the flood gates are now open on The Wizard of Oz.  In addition to Oz, we’ll soon see remakes of Judge Dredd, Red Dawn, The Great Gatsby, Anna Karenina, Carrie, The Evil Dead, Much Ado About Nothing, and probably a Romeo and Juliet - all of which can be considered classics in their own right.  Is it a lack of creative thinking? Is it just for money? Or do people truly love these stories so much that they feel they can improve them?

So there you have it.  Somebody willing to argue against the “Leave the Classics Alone” party and suggest that new interpretations of classic stories aren’t all that bad.  Don’t feel guilty getting excited that Guilermo Del Toro is doing Pinocchio and try to keep an open mind.  Retelling stories is comforting for people, and for some reason you can be considered a “visionary” for making something more dramatic than the original.