Look, here’s the thing … I don’t give a goddamn fuck about my history. As a man who said at one point,
Yeah, so goddamn long ago was betwix legs which opened and supported a slit, and in that slit was a vulva and a clit and flaps and other assorted plumbing – whatever the fuck mind you have you call it parts that eventually fart out humans
So, yeah, I’m over that! My pride as a hetero male could give two measly fucks. Speaking openly, I am a hetero- having no satiation for the cock of course, I will declare here and now, through and hence forth ’til eternally do I die that I am, without a non-cocksucking doubt in my mind, a die hard fan of the 1985 fantasy film directed by Ridley Scott, starring Tommy Cruise cock suckin’ vehicle- cocksuckin’ unicorn movie, Legend.
There, I said it. I fuckin’ love Legend and I don’t give a goddamn fuck, and as always, my goddamn cousin, Justin, will call me a cocksucker. Yeah, even when the flick was in the can and the famous director, Ridley Scott, screened it for his own buddies – one of them being Alan Parker (the famous cocksuckin’ director of Midnight Express), said to him, “gee, Rid’ I didn’t know you were such a faggot.”
The film is about unicorns that are white and harbor the power of light. The devil, who lives in the underworld, wants to vanquish that light, creating darkness forever. ”Find those cocksmokin’ unicorns and kill em! Slit their throats! Cut off their horns!” It’s not that easy, you need a penis swallower like Tommy Cruise wearing a beaver-coated skirt and beaver boots living in the forest and talking to all woodland creatures in the forest to find the unicorns. He has to trust a hot piece-of-ass like the chick from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and show her these cocksuckin’ beautiful unicorns ’cause maybe he wants to impress the female and get laid (Tommy Cruise is a good actor).
I said all this shit in The Dwarf Jockey, so I won’t bore you- I’ll cut to the chase. If you ever wanted to know what it would look like on screen- Tommy Cruise wearing a beaver fur-coated skirt and beaver boots wafting through the snow with a bunch of Keebler elves following him towards a unicorn with a soundtrack from the synthesizer Euro-trash band Tangerine Dream playing some hot synthesizer number and Tommy Cruise (’cause he has the power of speak to animals, of course) apologizing and crying in front of a unicorn (which is actually a horse that doesn’t know what the fuck’s going on in the picture) then this is your flick. Now let’s have butt sex, you loopy cunt.
**** out of **** stars
Starring: Tommy Cruise, the chick from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, the cocksuckin’ tranny from Rocky Horror- he plays the devil, of course.
Written by: a fat teenage girl- just kidding – some Swedish guy or Finnish guy or Norwegian cocksucker
Directed by: (the visual genius) Ridley Scott
Review written by Al Swearengen