In case you missed it, here’s a link to part 1: “Severe Masturbation” Part 1
Now, here’s Part 2 of “Severe Masturbation”
I support our troops, but I don’t support the war!
I support war, but I don’t support sending in our troops!
I support bumper stickers, but I don’t support cars!
As a person who would shit his pants and begin crying at the first sound of gunfire, I probably don’t have any credibility to speak with integrity about what it’s like to BE a veteran. But I can tell you I’ve seen a lot of movies and have made some observations about how veteran’s are portrayed, and as Crass Sophisticate has a character who is a veteran, this discussion is valid.
The World War Veterans:
These are our most cherished veterans. They’ve been immortalized as heroic, family-men, fight-for-your-country, die-for-your brother and eliminate evil from the world role models. Their war was supported by the world and the video games and HBO specials are so over-the-top dramatic and successful you’d think the whole war happened just for the film profits.
The Vietnam Veterans:
Skipping over Korea because that’s the forgotten war, the Vietnam war produced the crazy, depressed, alcoholic, long-haired veterans. When those vets get old and their minds go, you get someone like Paulie. It’s not that the veterans of Vietnam were any less heroic than the veteran’s of WWII, it’s just that their war wasn’t as noble as killing the Nazis. But at least they fought against a real country with an actual army.
Paulie was featured in issue #6 and issue #12. His ability to carry an entire issue might have been overly optimistic, as crazy characters make better side-kicks, but nonetheless, Paulie is a representation of how a person can still run a successful business as a less-than-sane amputee. He owns a steak restaurant because he was saved by bull carcasses during the war.
The Modern Day Veterans:
The war on terror seems like it’s really fucking up our veterans. I mean, it’s one thing that the Vietnam vets became heavy drinkers, but our boys coming home today can’t even drown the horrors with booze – they’re straight up killing themselves. Probably because the military are fighting in a sweltering hell-hole against cowards who use women and children as decoys and blow shit up instead of fighting like men Hopefully, they’ll get better at treating PTSD so we can joke about it later.
In the mean time, keep an eye out for Paulie to return. He’s too good of a character to not use for an independent comic book. Plus, we’re really trying to support our troops. Also, the new issue will feature, Ralph, another Vietnam veteran who has a vendetta against Josh.
Named after Carlisle Dumonté, the 14th century French philosopher who believed that all friendships consist of a dominant/submissive dichotomy and that the maturity levels of grown men fluctuate with the amount of sexual activity, “Carl” has quickly become an integral peg in the Crass canonical cosmology.
First appearing in Issue #24, Carl was depicted as a dim-witted, passive, Asperger’s sufferer and an archetypal nerd who lives with “Mother” and referred to people as “Ma’lady.” However, the impression that Carl is a buffoon was purposely implanted in the same manner that ideas are inserted through into our subconscious by inception while we sleep.
The truth is that all of the events in Issue #24 were part of an evil master plan by Carl. Did you notice that Carl always shows up for his smoothie during chalk time? See, Carl knew that Justin liked the chalk girl and he had plans to steal her. Then, when Carl overheard Josh’s plan for rotisserie chicken, Carl saw his opportunity to not only steal away Justin’s pretend girlfriend, but also his smoothie shop.
Carl represents the inner child and actually an evil genius. Carl convinced Mary to try the chicken, smoothies and cigarettes only to ensure that Justin would be distracted enough so Carl could get the opportunity to stick his hand in the blender in order to sue Justin and take over the smoothie shop.
Carl’s connection to the Pirates of the Carribean movies could not be more obvious. Carl’s urge to escape reality and break the chains of his mother’s oppression represent the rebellion in all of us. His decision to stick his hand in the blender was fulfilling his vision of looking more like a pirate and acquire a hook for a hand. Carl also enjoys fantasies of all kinds, much like a child. And as the inner-child, Josh and Justin fight to oppress him.
Carl will continue to grow and develop just like the inner-child in all of us grows and develops and fights oppression.
Read the last ten issues of Crass Sophisticate online for free!Get caught up on the Crass Sophisticate characters and stories.
Find out about Justin’s strange fetish in Tommy Jizzmop, read how Josh and Justin are related and unrelated in issue 21, explore homosexuality in issue 22, read an origin story about Justin in issue 23, read about Carl and the smoothie shop in issues 24 and 25, Josh goes Avatar in issue 26, meet Jeffrey in The Dwarf Jockey, be horrified by how Josh treats the Duggar family in Dollin’ Up Duggar, and watch Anthony Bourdain lose his mind in Porkbinge!
It’s all for you, baby! Just click on the cover to read in your browser. Or click the link below the covers to download the PDF.
Read end enjoy!
Fat, balding and living at the YMCA, Josh is crude, rude and unpredictable. Josh is the loose cannon, the oddball, the crazy eight, the X-Factor that creates the excitement, drama and humor we’ve all come to expect from Crass Sophisticate.
Fueled by alcohol, rat jerky and a lust for busty broads and money- Josh acts on impulse, never considering the consequences for his actions or thinking things through.
While Justin represents pessimism and depression, Josh has grown to counter his counterpart with hope and high expectations. However, Josh is so often disillusioned that it’s rare when anything goes the way Josh intends.
While early issues indicate that Josh may have worked in a grocery store, it’s become clear that no matter how Josh makes his living, he’s an incredibly cheap asshole.
We find out in I Love Ham! that Josh is Jewish – something that may have contributed to his stinginess. Josh also loves Chicago, movies, processed meats, and beer.
Josh’s character seems to follow a trend for recent issues. In the beginning of an issue, Josh is capable of holding an intelligent argument with Justin, but as they drink and the story progresses Josh will become increasingly stupider. Regardless, Josh and Justin have become a unique pair – complementing each other and offering readers hours of entertainment.
As I write this, our deadline is about to pass for making our goal on Kickstarter. Like a family movie, zero-hour is approaching and most likely the orphanage will be closed and demolished so the evil oil tycoons can build their parking lot. Are we bitter? Upset? Horny? A little bit, not because we didn’t make our goal, but because there are so many other projects out there that completely surpassed their goals.
That would be like us asking for a measly $150 and receiving $1500. What does the person do with all that extra money?
Yeah, so maybe our project was a little stupid. E-books? Really? Do you really think that’s going to help Crass Sophisticate get noticed? Becoming another self-published book in a sea of self-published crap? Fine, lesson learned. Also, I imagine many people saw our comic book and were horribly offended.
So here’s the breakdown of what I learned from Kickstarter and hopefully next time we’ll do better.
1. Think Big. Kickstarter rewards the bold. Also, since backers get to keep their money if the goal isn’t met, many back projects they think will never make it to like big shots.
2. Spend some time on the video. It seems like most of the projects that do well have skinny nerds talking to the camera, pleading their case and welling up with tears as they profess how they’ve put their soul into the project. Drama pays off huge.
3. Rewards, Rewards, Rewards. Do you think people give out of the goodness of their hearts? Fuck, no! People give to receive, NPR knows it – that’s why they talk so much about their stupid magazine subscriptions during pledge drives. Offer rewards and lots of them. Different rewards for different amounts given. Give $5, get a t-shirt. Give $500 dollars, I’ll suck your cock.
4. Updates. Be careful. Too many updates and your backers will get pissed about filling up their inbox. Updates should have meaning because for the most part, only the backers will see them. Which brings me to number 5….
5. The Project Plan. Any investor wants to see credentials, they want proof you’re not going to take their money and spend it on anal lubricants. Be professional and carefully explain how the money will be spent.
6. Don’t count On Kickstarter. Kickstarter really wants people to see that projects get funding, so just like the American department of education, they talk a lot about all the projects that don’t need any more money, and very little about the projects that are underfunded. I had to search hard to find projects that were short. The homepage will show you staff picks (all over-funded), your location, (mostly over-funded) and Popular (obviously over-funded).
7. Advertise. Peddle that smut, you whore! Just like a boy scout, rookie insurance agent and a strung-out heroin addict – you’re going to have to ask your friends for money. That’s the best way to prime the pot. Use that social media shit everyone’s been talking about.
7. Back other projects. I really thought this would work. Since you’re not allowed to donate to yourself, find other projects and donate to them. If they’re cool, they’ll donate to your project. And if they’re dicks, pull your donation out at the last minute.
8. It’s still exposure. Even if you don’t meet your goal when it feels like everyone else in the world is meeting theirs, use the updates for a last ditch effort to advertise on the web. Your thing will still show up in a Google searches while your campaign is up.
10. Kickstarter’s not the only game. Check out IndieGoGo and some of Kickstarter’s clones and copies. They’re pretty much the same shitty thing, but don’t give up. Believe in your dream or stop dreaming.
The most prolific person featured, “Justin” has appeared in more issues of Crass Sophisticate than any other character.
Not to be confused with Josh, Justin has more hair, is skinnier, wears a tie and is often seen smoking a cigarette.
Justin is the more grounded character of the Josh and Justin partnership. Justin would be considered the George of George & Lenny, the Ren of Ren & Stimpy, or the Thelma of Thelma & Louise.
Justin’s primary emotion is depressed annoyance. As a thirty-something who lost his girlfriend (issue #22) and his business (issue #27) over the Crass story line, we find Justin struggling to find happiness in a world where people seem to continually frustrate him.
An avid follower of hipster music and a connoisseur of criterion film – Justin represents the sophisticate of Crass Sophisticate.
While Justin no doubt appears in many of the early issues, our first glimpse of his personality appears in Rhonda” – Issue #8 where Justin gets revenge on Rhonda by squirting his man mustard onto her leftovers and ultimately is unable to satisfy his girlfriend follow his debauchery of Lou Malnati’s to-go.
From there, the Justin stories follow a theme of a man who can’t get any luck in life. After learning about Justin’s tough puberty in the Masturbation Issue & Issue 23 and the resulting sexual frustrations that appear in Issue #20 – it’s easy to see why Justin’s only sanctuary appears to be alcohol.
What does the future hold in store for Justin? It’s hard to say. Finding a new girl could very well turn his life back around, but Josh’s antics continue to cost Justin cars and imaginary girlfriends – so, I suppose only time will tell.
Join Crass Sophisticate as we embark on a Culinary journey with the Culinary icon, Anthony Bourdain, on a fantastical voyage of action and adventure and beautiful vegan broads and Mike Royko. Josh and Justin of C.S. will prove it’s worth dying to protect the Chicago hot dog from ketchup. The Chicago-style hot dog is Chicago.
Sure, there are plenty of old schoolers out there who love the smell of books, the feel of books, their collection of books on their book shelf, etc. But, there are also plenty of new schoolers out there who have already embraced handheld technology and have started to recognize the potential a tablet can have. Think about – all your entertainment In. The. Palm. Of. Your. Hand. The world, actual access to the world at your fingertips. It’s what every futurist dreams of. It’s easy to say you love physical books if you’ve never owned an eReader, but it’s much harder to say that after experiencing a Nook or Kindle first hand.
Crass Sophisticate is a print media as all comic books are and hopefully always will be. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t potential for the future readers. If you haven’t had the chance, check out what Graphicly is doing with self-published comic books – the option to direct the reader through the panels is smooth and looks amazing on a tablet. This is the future of comic books, and we’re getting in on the ground floor.
Many of you are also familiar with Kickstarter - and many of you are aware that while millions of people are asking for money, fewer people are actually giving money. Well, Kickstarter’s deal is that if a project doesn’t make it’s target – every donor gets their money back. We would like to ask the community to donate to Crass Sophisticate’s goal of becoming an e-Comic Book. We will use Graphicly’s services to launch the upcoming issue of Crass and make it available on Nooks, Kindles, Kobo’s, GoogleBooks and iBooks if we get enough money. Our entire backlog will soon be available as a webcomic for free on Graphicly, but that’s only through the web. We need money from you to launch the new issue as an eBook available for download. As a thank you – if you donate $5 we will send you a physical copy of the issue 29 as well as a digital download. If we don’t meet our goal, no cost to you. I’ll repost in a month to update you on the experience.
Taking place in Justin’s smoothie shop, this issue is sure to be an instant classic. Josh convinces Justin to put in a rotisserie chicken machine and Justin agrees in order to impress Mary from the High Places. We also get introduced to Carl, Justin’s best customer.
Read the Review:
Continuing to develop the heroes of Crass Sophisticate – Josh and Justin discuss their relationship and their differences in, “I Love Ham.” The second story reveals when Josh was introduced to Popeye’s chicken, or what he calls the happiest moment in his life.
Caution! This issue is incredibly violent and disgusting. Based on a true story, Josh does battle against the evil Frog Lady as well as his evil twin. Will Justin be able to save him? You’ll have to read to find out!